i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
