I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
