hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
