How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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