foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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