Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
