Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
