We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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