What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
