If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
