why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
