Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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