no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
