It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
