I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
