So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
