Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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