I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
