I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
