Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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