if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
