she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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