the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
3 2 1 whiskey
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
