You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize