At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Randomize
