I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
