im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
