I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
