So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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