Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You took a bar mat shot.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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