Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
