He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I need moral support for this bender
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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