So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
