She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was like giving head to a cactus.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
