It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
