I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
