hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
