I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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