Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
