My friends, they love my intelligence
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
