And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize