Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
