I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
