Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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