Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
