dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
