I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
