No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
