fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize