what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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