Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
