$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
