you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
