I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My balls are so social today.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
