he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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